


I Am An Original

by bdiddy150 (dismalspacenoodle)



Category: 18th & 19th Century CE RPF, 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron Burr Makes A Lot Of Metaphors, Aaron Burr has Control Issues, Aaron Burr is A Bit Not Good, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Harm In A Positive Light, Self-Harm Is Not Good and Burr Is Sad, Self-Indulgent, aaaaaand thassall today folks, how dare you, it was supposed to have a happy ending :(, just kidding, what's that im projecting onto fictional characters?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 13:43:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7534975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dismalspacenoodle/pseuds/bdiddy150
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron Burr wasn’t a control freak. No matter what they said, he wasn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am An Original

**Author's Note:**

> Check the tags for warnings, y'all.  
> (Title is from Wait For It from Hamilton because "I Am The One Thing In Life I Can Control" was obvious, cliche, and really god damn long)

Aaron Burr wasn’t a control freak. No matter what they all said, he wasn’t.

He couldn’t be—there was nothing he _could_ control. He couldn’t remember a time when the world wasn’t an ever-changing sea, impossible to map or predict; a time when the ground he stood upon was anything more than a fragile raft of what he _knew_ held together only by his precise planning and careful advances—one wrong step and he would be plunged into the dark blue abyss.

He had always drifted, hesitant to rock the boat, for as long as he could remember—he had everything to lose. His mother and father, both, had legacies—legacies it fell upon him to preserve and protect. And just like the ocean, the tides could change in an instant—he could be revered for one thing one moment and then crucified for it the next.

Aaron Burr wasn’t a control freak, it was just—he couldn’t control _anything_. Everything in his life was predetermined or planned by an estranged third party, and the only thing he could do was clutch his little raft tighter and hang on for dear life, smiling complacently and shaking his head when asked for an opinion. _Deflect or defect_ , as the saying goes.1

The point was, it wasn’t his fault that he found an outlet—an anchor, to extend an overused metaphor—in himself. He knew a lot (quite frankly, too much, according to most of his colleges) about human biology. He knew _instinct_ , and he knew that some of those instincts were quite obvious. The human body will resist an attempt to harm itself, it will take charge over the brain in desperate situations.

Burr hated instincts. They were just another way control was pried out of his hands and thrown to the wind. So, he threw them off.

It started slow, of course—no sane human being got home one day and decides to bury a knife in their leg. He would skip a meal, then two, then a few days’ worth. He would pointedly ignore the clawing emptiness in his stomach—to him, it was a sign that he could overpower basic human instinct. It was the same with the injuries—it was harder than he imagined it to be to break the skin—not physically, but mentally. The first few times, his hands shook so hard he just ended up with jagged scrapes along his arm—and a dark disappointment settling into his bones.

After a few weeks, though, he steadied his hand and was able to put enough pressure on the little razor to slowly drag it across his skin, and watched in fascination as the blood welled up behind it.

That was a lie, though, wasn’t it? The first time he ever felt the bubble of ecstasy rise up and burst in his heart, the first time he felt truly _in control_ , was when he dashed the blade across his side and saw the white adipose tissue show itself briefly before being covered up by the bright-red blood that seemed to rush in almost immediately.

And so the emptiness in his stomach and the lacerations hidden just beneath neat clothing and a measured smile reminded him that he had _control_ , and it kept him grounded, and sometimes it didn’t feel like he was drifting in a turbulent sea but had his feet planted firmly on the ground, a ground built on his victory against basic human instinct.

And the scars reminded him that he had the power to leave a mark that would never go away.

 

So, you see, Aaron Burr wasn't a control freak. He just needed an anchor. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1: no one has ever said that. Literally no one. Except me? (and im a bit of an alexander hamilton w/ the way I handle questions—scream my answer and punch anyone who disagrees) Anyways, it means that you can either deflect a question, or “defect” as in break the norm, flip sides, show a shortcoming—basically, if you answer a question someone’s going to hate you for your answer. :D
> 
>  
> 
> I :) fucking :) projected :) again :)  
> So this is extremely personal to moi because this is sorta exactly how I started the FUN AND EXCITING EXPERIENCE of self-harm and eating disorders. I don't know if anyone else... gets it? Obviously, the most common self-harm/ED causation is either body image or depression (which I of course struggled with because who doesn't love getting the short end of the MD stick??) and those are incredibly serious and valid, but I never really did it for that? (and a little aside-- i was self-conscious enough that i restricted most if not all of the bullshit i did to myself (i.e. burning, cutting, etc) to my legs or stomach area, but a word from the wise-- just because you don't /think/ you never wear shorts or bathing suits doesn't mean you'll never /want/ to. Anyways, this is entirely based off of my own experience so our burrberry is probs waaaaaaaaaaaay ooc but I tried, okay?  
> Remember, y'all, the way this is portrayed here is not what it actually is, it's how it feels (personally, felt). In reality, both refusing to eat and physically harming your own body is against your instinct for a reason, and that is because is it very much not good for you. If you currently struggle with an MD or and ED or anything related, I am incredibly sorry and I believe in you. :) You will find a way to overcome it, and you are an absolutely amazing person and I hope you can realize that.  
> HELLLOOOOO!!!! It's been a little over a year since i've posted this, and im super proud to say i'm back on medication, five months clean, and so, so much happier!! i went out and got the help i needed, i talked to therapists, psychiatrists, and the supportive and capable adults in my life (of which i am very, very lucky to have many of) and got my life back on track. i don't know if anyone's reading this, but if you are, please know i believe in you and i hope you can do what i've managed to do in the past year, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, im totally here! anyways xoxo


End file.
